Sitting in bed, after a great weekend away to a small town called Robertson, I am supposed to write my post for the day and prep for the next one, but my heart and mind is somewhere else…
Today, 3 years ago I was woken up with a knock on the door in the early morning… it was a family member breaking the news that my father is in hospital and his heart is giving problems and the doctor requested that we be there.
On my arrival, the doctor said that things are not looking good but he is fighting and there is still a heartbeat and the cardiologist is now with him.
My father’s girlfriend explain to me what happened and how my dad was complaining about chest pains that night and later on decided to go to hospital to check it out. She told me that he insisted to drive by himself (so typical dad, always in control), but knowing her, she did not take no for an answer. They had to wait 15 min for the cardiologist to arrive.
After hearing her story I tried to phone my sister and brother numerous times, but I knew their phones was on silent. My partner decided that he will first go to my sister’s house and then to my brother’s house to wake them up.
And then, just as I came out of the bathroom, I saw the doctor shaking his head and looked down… Without him saying a word my heart dropped to the floor and all I could get out was screaming no no no! I wanted to die right there on the spot. I did not register what the doctor was
saying or anyone around me, but for a moment I stopped and told myself it’s impossible. It’s a mistake he is a few meters away from where I was standing, he is in the room, I wanted to see for myself!!!!!
I got hold of myself and waited for them to arrive. I walked up and down the passage and tried to get my mind around what just happened. The nurses requested that we had to wait before we can see my dad, they wanted to get him ready first.
And then when I saw my sister and brother we grabbed on to each other like not even super glue can. At that moment all I felt was our pain, the way my brother cried for my father was so painful, something that I will never forget.
When it was time for us to go see my dad, I paused for a second, wishing and hoping when I see him, that he will be awake, or maybe just something will happen and he will be alive. In the room full of other patients, there was his bed closed behind curtains… he looked so peaceful like someone sleeping and it even looked like he had a smile on his face.
would hold me.
We could only see him for a few minutes, but we didn’t want to let go, because I knew when I walk out of that room I have to face reality that I will never ever see his face again.
Today… I still carry that pain with me, the longing to have my father around. Family braai’s and birthdays are never the same, the sound of his guitar filling the air, everyone singing along. The way he use to light up a room with his laughter and even in the most difficult times in our lives, he kept going, never giving up.
You helped to mold me in the person I am today and I could have not ask for a better father, mentor and friend. You are all around me. I also hide the chocolate in the wardrobe, Adele says that when I run, I run like you. Your dearest son is starting to look like you. it's so comforting to have a glimpse at him and see you for a second.
Dad we love you and miss you each and everyday and hope that we will meet again. Just looked at all your photos and videos. Between the sadness I could not resist to have a laugh, just the way you wanted us to remember you. You were and still are one an a million!!!!